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00:00:03,069 --> 00:00:05,336
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:05,404 --> 00:00:09,040
♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪
3
00:00:09,108 --> 00:00:12,644
♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪
4
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[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪
5
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♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪
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[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls and men were men ♪
7
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[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪
8
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♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪
9
00:00:29,629 --> 00:00:32,931
[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪
10
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[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪
11
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[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle ran great ♪
12
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♪ those were the days ♪
13
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come on, Edith.
We'll miss the bus.
14
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Be there in a minute.
What's she doing up there?
15
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Calm down, daddy.
16
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Yeah, arch. Your bus
doesn't leave for an hour.
17
00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:03,227
You got plenty of time.
What's the big rush?
18
00:01:03,295 --> 00:01:06,497
The big rush is,
it takes 40 minutes to get into Times Square.
19
00:01:06,565 --> 00:01:09,000
It takes five minutes
to walk over to the bus terminal.
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It takes another six minutes
to buy the tickets.
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That leaves only four minutes
for your mother-in-law to go to the ladies room,
22
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which she's always got to do.
23
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That's why I never wanna
take her no place.
24
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Edith, hurry up
or the ladies room is out!
25
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Go on. Get her, will you?
26
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For a guy who's been
complaining about this trip for the last three weeks,
27
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you sure seem in
a hurry to get there. It'll be a cold day in hell...
28
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When I'm in a hurry
to see Edith's cousin maude.
29
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I just hate missing buses,
that's all. It started with me a long time ago.
30
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One day Edith and me,
we got to get over to bayside hospital.
31
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We missed the q-5 bus.
Had to wait 20 minutes to get another one.
32
00:01:47,039 --> 00:01:50,541
I thought Edith was
gonna give birth to Gloria right there on the sidewalk.
33
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When Edith was having Gloria,
you took her to the hospital on a bus?
34
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That's right, meathead.
The subway don't run to bayside.
35
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Come on, Edith.
I'm all packed, Archie.
36
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Oh, my, it's gonna be
so exciting.
37
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We'll be so busy.
38
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There's the bridal
shower tonight,
39
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and then tomorrow
is the bridal supper.
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And, of course,
Saturday is the big day.
41
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Wrong, Edith.
Sunday's the big day.
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That's the day
we take the bus home.
43
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If your cousin maude says
one wrong word to me,
44
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we're gonna be leaving
before the bride takes the shower.
45
00:02:32,384 --> 00:02:35,820
Daddy, her only daughter's
getting married.
46
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Cousin maude will be
in a good mood. She'll welcome you with open arms.
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I don't care
what she's got open,
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as long as she's got
her big mouth closed.
49
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Get everything here.
Good-bye.
50
00:02:45,664 --> 00:02:48,032
See you later, arch.
Bye, ma. Have a good time.
51
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Oh, we will.
52
00:02:49,869 --> 00:02:53,337
Maude was thrilled when
I told her we was coming.
53
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Look, I don't want
Archie bunker here any more than you do.
54
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I invited Edith
because I love her.
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And everywhere Edith goes,
Archie goes. Like that vaudeville act.
56
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There's the front end
of the horse and then there's Archie.
57
00:03:06,485 --> 00:03:09,888
But, mother, inviting him
was such a rotten thing to do.
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You never said a word
about the bunkers,
59
00:03:11,957 --> 00:03:14,058
and the guest list
was made up six weeks ago.
60
00:03:14,126 --> 00:03:17,962
Honey, if I had told you then,
we would have fought for a month and a half.
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00:03:18,030 --> 00:03:21,732
This way it's only
a one-hour brawl and I win.
62
00:03:21,801 --> 00:03:26,671
But, mother, Archie could
wreck the whole wedding, and you know that.
63
00:03:26,738 --> 00:03:29,573
And what's gonna happen
when he finds out that David is Jewish?
64
00:03:29,641 --> 00:03:32,010
I can hear him now.
65
00:03:32,077 --> 00:03:35,546
"Good night, nurse.
She's marrying a Jew."
66
00:03:35,614 --> 00:03:38,883
Well, let him.
David will know how to handle it.
67
00:03:38,951 --> 00:03:41,485
He'll spot Archie
for what he is right away.
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Being Jewish
he has that wonderful sensitivity that I love so much.
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It's a trait of theirs.
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A trait of theirs?
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00:03:55,301 --> 00:03:57,435
Mother, will you
listen to yourself?
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What you have just
said is a reverse anti-semitic cliche.
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You can say that to me?
74
00:04:04,944 --> 00:04:08,412
Why, just last month
I had a tree planted in Israel.
75
00:04:11,217 --> 00:04:13,218
I happen to feel
that Jews are brilliant,
76
00:04:13,285 --> 00:04:16,988
which is why I have
a Jewish doctor and a Jewish lawyer and a Jewish accountant.
77
00:04:17,056 --> 00:04:20,124
You forgot to mention
your brilliant Jewish plumber.
78
00:04:20,192 --> 00:04:22,927
Walter, please,
your daughter and I are fighting.
79
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I have just been accused
of being anti-semitic.
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I never said
you were anti-semitic.
81
00:04:27,599 --> 00:04:32,803
You bet I'm not.
I happen to be a Hubert Humphrey democrat.
82
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What does that mean?
83
00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:37,842
It means she's
not anti-anything.
84
00:04:40,612 --> 00:04:43,581
Carol, when the rosenblatts
moved in next door,
85
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wasn't I the first one
to go over and welcome them?
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And they have been constantly
in and out of this house ever since.
87
00:04:49,154 --> 00:04:50,721
But you hate the rosenblatts.
88
00:04:50,789 --> 00:04:53,724
Because they are constantly
in and out of this house.
89
00:04:55,594 --> 00:04:58,029
I can't tell you
how I'm dreading this shower.
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00:04:58,097 --> 00:05:00,731
I don't know why you had
to involve me in a wedding in the first place.
91
00:05:00,799 --> 00:05:04,769
David and I have this
terrific relationship going just as it is.
92
00:05:04,836 --> 00:05:07,772
Why take a chance
on messing it up by getting married?
93
00:05:07,839 --> 00:05:12,610
Honey, I know you're
just upset because I didn't tell you about the bunkers.
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00:05:12,677 --> 00:05:15,446
It's not just the bunkers.
It's this whole archaic ritual...
95
00:05:15,514 --> 00:05:19,317
Of bridal showers
and wedding gifts and "thank you" notes.
96
00:05:19,385 --> 00:05:22,921
Carol, I hate bridal showers
as much as you do,
97
00:05:22,988 --> 00:05:25,723
but after the hundreds
of gifts that I've given through the years,
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my daughter is going
to get hers.
99
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Maude, you're
a crass materialist.
100
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Right, and you're
going to profit by it.
101
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Maude--
please, Walter, we're still fighting.
102
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Good. While you're hot,
we got a little problem with Mr. dishwasher over here.
103
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He wasn't able to fix the thing,
but he still wants 15 bucks for a house call.
104
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You're kidding.
105
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That's right, lady.
That's what I get.
106
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Come over here.
What's your name, honey?
107
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Marvin.
Marvin. Listen, Marvin.
108
00:05:56,755 --> 00:06:02,360
A lot of people might feel that
charging $15 for a house call is unreasonable,
109
00:06:02,428 --> 00:06:05,430
and I'd like you
to count me among them.
110
00:06:05,497 --> 00:06:09,968
Now, look, lady--
quiet. I'll tell you what we're going to do, Marvin.
111
00:06:10,035 --> 00:06:12,036
I am going
to give you this money...
112
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And you are going to leave
with this thought in mind.
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"I have just made $2.00
for doing absolutely nothing."
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Two dollars?
No need to thank me, Marvin.
115
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No need to thank me.
Now, let me see you smile.
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Lady--
that is a sweet smile, Marvin.
117
00:06:30,456 --> 00:06:32,991
If you had an upper lip,
you'd be gorgeous.
118
00:06:33,058 --> 00:06:35,793
Look, lady--
good-bye, Marvin, and have a good life.
119
00:06:37,829 --> 00:06:41,466
Maude,
you're beautiful. Thank you, darling.
120
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You two are really
something else.
121
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It's like mom's the police dog
and you're the trainer.
122
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Anytime there's a problem,
it's "maude, sic 'em."
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It's very simple,
Carol.
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I'm the firm, quiet,
more reserved type who guides.
125
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Your mother, with her
more dominant than charming personality, is the killer.
126
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[ Doorbell rings ]
127
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That's the beauty
of your relationship. And that's your women's lib.
128
00:07:05,290 --> 00:07:06,891
Hi, David.
Hi, sweetheart.
129
00:07:06,958 --> 00:07:09,527
I'll be with you
in a minute, David. I just wanna get your present.
130
00:07:09,594 --> 00:07:14,198
That's why I stopped by.
To tell you I can't take you to the bachelor party.
131
00:07:14,266 --> 00:07:17,435
Bernie's car broke down,
so I have to pick him up, which gives me a full car.
132
00:07:17,503 --> 00:07:21,172
You know fat Bernie.
But don't worry about it. Tommy's gonna pick you up.
133
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:26,544
David, it is unlucky
for the groom to fondle the bride before the wedding.
134
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Can I fondle the mother?
135
00:07:29,181 --> 00:07:31,315
I'll fondle the father.
Oh, get out of here.
136
00:07:31,383 --> 00:07:33,451
You superstitious?
Yes, I am.
137
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Have a nice shower.
Have a nice bachelor party.
138
00:07:35,521 --> 00:07:37,755
Thank God he didn't see you
in that wedding dress.
139
00:07:37,822 --> 00:07:39,890
I wanted to ask you
about that dress.
140
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What? Don't you like it?
It's fine, but how come you're gonna wear white?
141
00:07:48,700 --> 00:07:52,736
Because after the wedding,
I'm gonna sell good humors.
142
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Walter, brides wear white.
143
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It's a symbol
of purity and innocence.
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And for what you're thinking,
bite your tongue.
145
00:08:02,514 --> 00:08:04,715
I was just wondering,
that's all.
146
00:08:04,783 --> 00:08:07,351
She was married before.
She has an eight-year-old son.
147
00:08:07,419 --> 00:08:10,054
She's had
a half dozen affairs.
148
00:08:10,122 --> 00:08:13,491
So in all that heavy traffic,
how did she manage that tricky u-turn...
149
00:08:13,559 --> 00:08:16,227
Back to purity and innocence?
150
00:08:20,165 --> 00:08:24,302
God'll get you
for that, Walter.
151
00:08:24,369 --> 00:08:28,339
Walter, I'm wearing white
because mother insisted that I wear white.
152
00:08:28,407 --> 00:08:30,608
If I had my own way,
I'd wear pink polka dots.
153
00:08:30,675 --> 00:08:33,177
And as for that bit
about the bride being virginal...
154
00:08:33,245 --> 00:08:35,313
While the groom
can be anything he wants...
155
00:08:35,380 --> 00:08:38,649
Is just another example
of typical male chauvinism.
156
00:08:38,717 --> 00:08:43,887
Oh, come on.
And you talk about women's lib.
157
00:08:43,955 --> 00:08:47,358
Walter, I am shocked.
How can you talk to your daughter that way?
158
00:08:47,426 --> 00:08:50,561
She's not my daughter.
She's your second husband's daughter,
159
00:08:50,629 --> 00:08:52,630
a fact that really
saddens me.
160
00:08:52,697 --> 00:08:55,600
I'm standing here,
slowly going broke from this wedding...
161
00:08:55,667 --> 00:08:59,036
While he's lying comfortably
at his grave free and clear.
162
00:09:02,441 --> 00:09:06,477
You know perfectly well
that Chester was buried at sea.
163
00:09:09,214 --> 00:09:11,149
On our honeymoon.
164
00:09:12,518 --> 00:09:15,153
Maude, I like Carol.
165
00:09:15,220 --> 00:09:18,556
It's just that at my age,
I also like a little peace and quiet,
166
00:09:18,624 --> 00:09:20,824
and I've had neither
since she moved in here three years ago...
167
00:09:20,892 --> 00:09:23,227
With that dumb kid
of hers. Phillip is not dumb.
168
00:09:23,295 --> 00:09:27,265
I don't know who created
the fiction that every little kid is smart.
169
00:09:27,332 --> 00:09:30,701
But it is a fiction.
Phillip is dumb, maude. He's a dumb kid.
170
00:09:30,769 --> 00:09:33,704
Phillip is
eight years old, Walter.
171
00:09:33,772 --> 00:09:37,241
You are 48, and already
he is twice as smart as you are.
172
00:09:37,309 --> 00:09:42,012
For example, do you still intend
to give the groom this tonight?
173
00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:45,249
- Why not? It's perfect
for the occasion. - [ Doorbell rings ]
174
00:09:45,317 --> 00:09:48,519
It is not perfect, Walter.
It is in rotten taste...
175
00:09:48,587 --> 00:09:52,089
To give the groom a box
of nodoz for the wedding night.
176
00:09:55,227 --> 00:09:57,161
Oh, Edith!
177
00:10:03,402 --> 00:10:05,336
Oh, Carol!
178
00:10:05,404 --> 00:10:08,439
[ Pounding ]
179
00:10:10,275 --> 00:10:12,009
Now, Archie,
180
00:10:12,077 --> 00:10:16,046
I'm gonna give it
to you straight so there won't be any trouble.
181
00:10:16,114 --> 00:10:18,916
Carol is marrying
a boy of the Jewish faith.
182
00:10:18,983 --> 00:10:22,286
Good night, nurse.
She's marrying a Jew.
183
00:10:24,022 --> 00:10:25,956
What did I tell you?
184
00:10:26,024 --> 00:10:28,992
What are you gonna do, maude?
You're gonna let me in there?
185
00:10:29,060 --> 00:10:32,363
Or you're gonna give me a break
and let me go home in peace?
186
00:10:32,431 --> 00:10:34,765
Come on in.
Come on, Archie,
187
00:10:34,833 --> 00:10:38,369
and say hello
to Carol.
188
00:10:38,437 --> 00:10:40,938
What's your new name gonna be?
189
00:10:41,005 --> 00:10:43,073
Mrs. David green.
190
00:10:43,141 --> 00:10:45,175
It's your life.
191
00:10:45,244 --> 00:10:46,910
Say hello to Walter.
192
00:10:46,978 --> 00:10:48,912
Hello, Walter there.
Hello, Archie.
193
00:10:48,980 --> 00:10:51,882
Oh, my, we're gonna have
such a good time.
194
00:10:51,950 --> 00:10:54,619
You bet we are.
I just love weddings.
195
00:10:54,686 --> 00:10:59,357
You're telling us, maude.
You've been married yourself four times.
196
00:10:59,424 --> 00:11:01,859
Nothing personal,
but a guy could go broke...
197
00:11:01,926 --> 00:11:05,496
Just buying wedding presents
for your side of the family.
198
00:11:06,965 --> 00:11:10,801
Still fighting
mental health, huh, Archie?
199
00:11:14,773 --> 00:11:16,807
You know, Walter,
considering everything,
200
00:11:16,875 --> 00:11:19,477
I'm surprised to see you
looking so good.
201
00:11:19,544 --> 00:11:24,114
- Watch it, Archie.
- Maude, Archie, this is a wedding,
202
00:11:24,182 --> 00:11:27,752
and you promised you
wouldn't fight this weekend. [ Horn honking ]
203
00:11:27,819 --> 00:11:29,887
That's for us, Archie.
Come on. Let's go.
204
00:11:29,954 --> 00:11:31,889
Where we going?
I just got here.
205
00:11:31,956 --> 00:11:35,326
David's friends are
giving him a bachelor party and you're invited too.
206
00:11:35,394 --> 00:11:38,396
What do you mean?
One of them fun bachelor parties?
207
00:11:38,463 --> 00:11:40,864
Yeah. All the guys
are chipping in ten bucks apiece.
208
00:11:40,932 --> 00:11:45,536
Hold it. Hold it.
Include me out of that there.
209
00:11:45,604 --> 00:11:49,774
Leave it to a hebe to charge
admission to his own party.
210
00:11:49,841 --> 00:11:52,777
What's he gonna do,
sell tickets to the wedding too?
211
00:11:52,844 --> 00:11:54,779
He's all yours, maude.
212
00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:58,549
You know what I like
about you, Archie?
213
00:11:58,617 --> 00:12:01,352
- What's that, maude?
- Nothing.
214
00:12:02,554 --> 00:12:04,488
Maude, I ain't blind.
215
00:12:04,556 --> 00:12:07,291
I notice since I come in here
you try to insult me.
216
00:12:07,359 --> 00:12:11,629
Mother, for your sake, I'm
trying to control myself, but if he isn't out--
217
00:12:11,697 --> 00:12:14,799
Archie, the shower
is for ladies.
218
00:12:14,866 --> 00:12:17,601
And since you ain't going
to the bachelor party,
219
00:12:17,669 --> 00:12:19,903
wouldn't you
like to go back to the motel?
220
00:12:19,971 --> 00:12:22,940
Oh, no, Edith.
No dice to that.
221
00:12:23,007 --> 00:12:25,209
I ain't going nowhere
without you.
222
00:12:25,276 --> 00:12:29,647
I'm staying here.
I'm gonna plant myself right in the middle of this here couch.
223
00:12:29,715 --> 00:12:33,517
[ Doorbell rings ]
What did I tell you, mother? I knew he'd do something.
224
00:12:33,585 --> 00:12:36,220
I don't know
why the-- hello!
225
00:12:39,023 --> 00:12:40,958
How are you?
226
00:12:42,293 --> 00:12:46,096
Ladies, ladies, come with me.
Come with me.
227
00:12:46,164 --> 00:12:48,432
Ladies! Ladies!
228
00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:50,568
I have something
to show you.
229
00:12:52,637 --> 00:12:54,972
This is a Mr. bunker.
230
00:12:55,039 --> 00:13:00,110
And he insists on staying
with us girls for the shower.
231
00:13:03,014 --> 00:13:06,784
Edith! Edith! Edith!
232
00:13:06,852 --> 00:13:08,285
Come here.
233
00:13:08,353 --> 00:13:10,287
You ain't Edith.
Get out of here.
234
00:13:10,355 --> 00:13:12,723
Edith! Edith!
235
00:13:12,791 --> 00:13:15,058
Get over here.
Yeah, Archie.
236
00:13:15,126 --> 00:13:19,864
I'm going. You got your way.
Stay here. Enjoy yourself with your dopey friends.
237
00:13:19,931 --> 00:13:22,366
I'll go back to the motel
and stay there all alone.
238
00:13:22,434 --> 00:13:24,101
Oh, Archie.
239
00:13:24,168 --> 00:13:27,170
Don't worry, Edith.
He can go back and watch television.
240
00:13:27,238 --> 00:13:31,074
Governor Wallace is
on the tonight show and he'll love it.
241
00:13:38,784 --> 00:13:41,886
Bye, darling.
Thank you all for coming.
242
00:13:41,953 --> 00:13:44,588
Thank you, sweetheart.
It was just lovely.
243
00:13:44,656 --> 00:13:46,724
Give my love to Roger.
244
00:13:46,792 --> 00:13:48,726
My God, I'm tired.
245
00:13:49,994 --> 00:13:53,597
That was the best shower
I've ever been to.
246
00:13:53,665 --> 00:13:56,834
Oh, the presents
is so beautiful,
247
00:13:56,902 --> 00:13:59,437
and some of them
was so funny.
248
00:13:59,504 --> 00:14:01,439
I thought I'd die...
249
00:14:01,506 --> 00:14:06,009
When that girl gave you
a box of nodoz for your honeymoon.
250
00:14:06,077 --> 00:14:09,680
I'm glad you liked
that one, Edith.
251
00:14:09,748 --> 00:14:11,682
Oh, I loved it,
252
00:14:11,750 --> 00:14:15,285
especially after
you explained it to me.
253
00:14:17,288 --> 00:14:19,222
Edith,
you're wonderful.
254
00:14:19,290 --> 00:14:21,792
[ Boy ]
Mommy, I want a drink of water.
255
00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:24,795
Phillip's awake.
I'll be right there, honey.
256
00:14:24,863 --> 00:14:28,966
Let me take it to him, Carol.
I'll tell him a story.
257
00:14:29,033 --> 00:14:32,402
Oh, I ain't told
a bedtime story for years.
258
00:14:32,471 --> 00:14:36,707
- Thanks, Edith. You're a doll.
- Carol, let's have a drink.
259
00:14:36,775 --> 00:14:38,809
We'll clean up
the mess later. Good idea.
260
00:14:38,877 --> 00:14:41,144
A final toast.
261
00:14:41,212 --> 00:14:46,149
This is the second shower
I've thrown for you, and may it be the last.
262
00:14:46,217 --> 00:14:49,553
Actually, you haven't
thrown me two showers. This is the first.
263
00:14:49,621 --> 00:14:52,255
This is your
second marriage. So?
264
00:14:52,323 --> 00:14:56,794
So, I counted it up
on my little fingers and that comes to two showers.
265
00:14:56,862 --> 00:15:00,998
Count again, mother.
Pete and I eloped. Sweetheart, two showers.
266
00:15:01,065 --> 00:15:04,067
One before you
eloped with Peter and one before David.
267
00:15:04,135 --> 00:15:07,505
Mother, you don't have
elopement showers.
268
00:15:07,572 --> 00:15:10,908
The shower you're thinking of
is the one I threw for you when you married Walter.
269
00:15:10,976 --> 00:15:15,546
Honey, you threw me a shower
when I married Albert, not Walter.
270
00:15:15,614 --> 00:15:18,215
Mother, you're getting senile.
You eloped with Albert.
271
00:15:18,282 --> 00:15:20,885
Look, don't tell me
who I eloped with.
272
00:15:20,952 --> 00:15:25,122
I eloped with your father
and with Fred, not Albert.
273
00:15:25,189 --> 00:15:27,591
I threw you a shower,
and it wasn't Albert.
274
00:15:27,659 --> 00:15:30,193
Now, honey, look.
Listen to mother.
275
00:15:31,763 --> 00:15:36,534
In 12 years, we have had
three showers, right?
276
00:15:36,601 --> 00:15:39,737
So that means you threw me
either Albert or Walter...
277
00:15:39,804 --> 00:15:41,906
Because I threw you
Peter and David.
278
00:15:41,973 --> 00:15:45,910
I threw you Walter,
but you did not throw me Pete and David, just David.
279
00:15:45,977 --> 00:15:48,946
At least we agree
on David and Walter. Right.
280
00:15:49,014 --> 00:15:52,550
And then I threw
you Peter.
281
00:15:52,617 --> 00:15:54,752
You did not.
282
00:15:54,819 --> 00:15:58,589
Four days before
you married Peter, I threw you a shower.
283
00:15:58,657 --> 00:16:00,357
Mother, that's impossible.
284
00:16:00,425 --> 00:16:03,493
Pete and I were living together.
People thought we were already married.
285
00:16:03,562 --> 00:16:06,296
That's it.
It was a baby shower.
286
00:16:07,999 --> 00:16:12,335
Get away from me.
What a party. What a terrific party.
287
00:16:12,403 --> 00:16:14,972
Close the door,
stupid. What are you so angry about?
288
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:17,808
- You were
the life of the party. - David, Walter, what happened?
289
00:16:17,876 --> 00:16:20,544
Thanks to David
and his friends, the police raided the party.
290
00:16:20,612 --> 00:16:23,781
- The police raided the party?
- What do you mean the police raided the party?
291
00:16:23,848 --> 00:16:27,417
What police? What raid?
Two cops? One was short.
292
00:16:27,485 --> 00:16:30,588
Walter, you were
the oldest boy there, and I hold you directly responsible.
293
00:16:30,655 --> 00:16:33,290
And I should've known
when your friends got that motel suite...
294
00:16:33,357 --> 00:16:35,292
That some girls
would show up.
295
00:16:35,359 --> 00:16:37,527
David, there were girls
at your party?
296
00:16:37,596 --> 00:16:40,631
Why not?
You had girls at your party.
297
00:16:40,699 --> 00:16:42,633
That's not funny, David.
298
00:16:42,701 --> 00:16:48,305
If you blew that boy's
bachelor party, I am sending back the king-size bed.
299
00:16:48,372 --> 00:16:51,742
David, just how many girls
were at the party?
300
00:16:51,810 --> 00:16:54,078
Well, let's see.
There were the two brunettes.
301
00:16:54,145 --> 00:16:57,081
- There was a redhead
with a guitar. - Don't forget the belly dancer.
302
00:16:57,148 --> 00:16:59,382
The belly dancer?
There was a belly dancer.
303
00:16:59,450 --> 00:17:02,019
There was a redhead
with a guitar. You already mentioned her.
304
00:17:02,087 --> 00:17:05,322
Yeah, she was the standout.
She rode him around the room piggyback...
305
00:17:05,389 --> 00:17:08,258
Singing
"marching to pretoria."
306
00:17:08,326 --> 00:17:10,227
David!
307
00:17:10,294 --> 00:17:12,295
What's the matter?
You don't like that song?
308
00:17:14,265 --> 00:17:16,967
I can't believe this.
That's what you do. It's a bachelor party.
309
00:17:17,035 --> 00:17:19,637
You fool around.
Two days before the wedding?
310
00:17:19,704 --> 00:17:21,772
We're individuals, right?
You got two days.
311
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:24,842
You can fool around
if you want. That's not the point.
312
00:17:24,909 --> 00:17:29,412
Wait a minute. What
happened to that liberated female I'm gonna married...
313
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:31,715
With all those speeches
that come pouring out of your mouth,
314
00:17:31,783 --> 00:17:33,717
all those liberal views?
315
00:17:33,785 --> 00:17:37,054
You're right, David.
I'm sorry.
316
00:17:37,122 --> 00:17:40,691
Anything you did at
your bachelor party is okay. After all, I'm no angel myself.
317
00:17:40,759 --> 00:17:44,327
- And that's the truth, David.
- Mother, please.
318
00:17:44,395 --> 00:17:45,929
What's the difference?
319
00:17:45,997 --> 00:17:48,498
Once we're married, I won't
be fooling around anymore.
320
00:17:48,566 --> 00:17:51,702
We'll be living in that
new house I bought today, and everything will be fine.
321
00:17:51,770 --> 00:17:54,938
- What?
- Oh!
322
00:17:55,006 --> 00:17:57,675
I wanted it
to be a surprise.
323
00:17:57,742 --> 00:18:00,010
I bought us
a new house today.
324
00:18:00,078 --> 00:18:02,846
You bought a house today?
Tudor.
325
00:18:02,914 --> 00:18:05,849
He bought you a house.
Oh, you darling, you bought her a house.
326
00:18:05,917 --> 00:18:07,851
Mother, this is
between David and me. You bought a house...
327
00:18:07,919 --> 00:18:10,520
And you didn't ask me about it?
Wait till you see the kitchen.
328
00:18:10,588 --> 00:18:13,323
The kitchen
is fabulous. I'm not gonna be in the kitchen.
329
00:18:13,391 --> 00:18:15,325
Electric stove.
I don't even like to cook.
330
00:18:15,393 --> 00:18:17,828
When you quit your job,
you'll love to cook. I'm gonna decorate.
331
00:18:17,896 --> 00:18:20,898
Wait. Stop. Go back.
I'm gonna decorate.
332
00:18:20,965 --> 00:18:23,901
Further than that.
About my job. And you quit your job.
333
00:18:23,968 --> 00:18:26,170
Uh-uh. I'm not
gonna quit my job.
334
00:18:26,237 --> 00:18:28,471
Of course you're
gonna quit your job.
335
00:18:28,539 --> 00:18:31,641
Who's gonna
take care of the kids? Kids?
336
00:18:31,710 --> 00:18:35,679
We're gonna have three kids--
you have decided on three children...
337
00:18:35,747 --> 00:18:38,682
- And you haven't asked me?
- You'll get them. You'll get them.
338
00:18:38,750 --> 00:18:41,952
Mother, will you go
over there and sit down? But, honey--
339
00:18:42,020 --> 00:18:44,888
- Walter.
- Maude, sit.
340
00:18:50,862 --> 00:18:53,463
What if I don't
want any more kids? I already have one.
341
00:18:53,531 --> 00:19:00,204
That's right.
She already has a kid. Phillip is not dumb.
342
00:19:00,271 --> 00:19:04,341
David, suppose I don't want
any more children?
343
00:19:04,408 --> 00:19:09,113
Of course you're
gonna want children. That's a woman's function--
344
00:19:09,180 --> 00:19:11,514
[ screams ]
I don't believe I'm hearing this.
345
00:19:11,582 --> 00:19:14,317
I don't believe you've
planned my whole life for me without consulting me.
346
00:19:14,385 --> 00:19:18,155
You bought a house.
I had to move fast on the house. That was a good bargain.
347
00:19:18,223 --> 00:19:21,158
I should've known
you couldn't pass up a good bargain.
348
00:19:25,196 --> 00:19:28,766
- What is that supposed to mean?
- I don't know.
349
00:19:28,833 --> 00:19:31,635
Is that some reference
to the fact that I'm Jewish?
350
00:19:31,702 --> 00:19:34,872
Do you wanna see if I bleed?
You wanna see if a Jew bleeds?
351
00:19:34,939 --> 00:19:38,108
Walter, give me the knife.
You want a pound of my blood?
352
00:19:38,176 --> 00:19:41,011
- Don't be foolish.
- David, stop it.
353
00:19:41,079 --> 00:19:43,647
What's the matter with you
people? Don't you know Jews are like everybody else?
354
00:19:43,714 --> 00:19:46,850
We drink,
we gamble, corral, unfaithful to our wives.
355
00:19:46,918 --> 00:19:48,852
That's not true.
356
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:52,289
Everybody knows
that Jewish boys make the best husbands.
357
00:19:52,356 --> 00:19:54,291
It's a known fact.
Look it up.
358
00:19:54,358 --> 00:19:58,061
On the surface,
that sounds all right, but that's an anti-semitic remark.
359
00:19:58,129 --> 00:20:00,898
Walter, come on. Let's go.
It's your turn. Let's go.
360
00:20:00,965 --> 00:20:04,001
Well, you are talking
with your hands. Walter!
361
00:20:04,068 --> 00:20:08,138
He's kidding! He's kidding!
Tell him you're kidding!
362
00:20:08,206 --> 00:20:11,241
I knew it.
I was waiting for this.
363
00:20:11,309 --> 00:20:14,211
My mother told me it might take
a year, two years, maybe three,
364
00:20:14,279 --> 00:20:17,681
but sooner or later,
if I married into this family, one of you would crack,
365
00:20:17,748 --> 00:20:20,184
and the anti-semitic remarks
would come pouring out.
366
00:20:20,251 --> 00:20:23,787
Hold on just a minute.
You said you've been waiting for this.
367
00:20:23,855 --> 00:20:25,956
You've been waiting
for something like this to happen.
368
00:20:26,024 --> 00:20:28,692
For two years,
while I've been loving you,
369
00:20:28,759 --> 00:20:32,162
you've been waiting for me
to make an anti-semitic remark.
370
00:20:32,230 --> 00:20:36,666
Do you know what that is?
That is anti-gentile feeling on your part.
371
00:20:36,734 --> 00:20:39,136
We all feel that way.
372
00:20:39,204 --> 00:20:41,738
Aha!
Aha!
373
00:20:46,845 --> 00:20:49,646
I said that?
374
00:20:49,714 --> 00:20:53,550
I said that.
That came out of my-- wow.
375
00:20:53,617 --> 00:20:56,920
Well, that's, uh--
well, where do we go from here?
376
00:20:56,988 --> 00:20:59,456
I'll tell you exactly
where we go from here. Walter, get the champagne,
377
00:20:59,523 --> 00:21:01,458
and we'll forget everything
that's been said.
378
00:21:01,525 --> 00:21:04,161
Mother, it's not possible
to forget everything that's been said.
379
00:21:04,229 --> 00:21:07,497
I'm really
surprised at you. David, you gave me no idea.
380
00:21:07,565 --> 00:21:11,235
The wedding is off.
To the bride and groom.
381
00:21:11,302 --> 00:21:14,671
Not to this
bride and groom. To freedom.
382
00:21:14,739 --> 00:21:17,607
To my new house with
the "for sale" sign in front.
383
00:21:17,675 --> 00:21:20,878
To the bride and groom.
To living my own life.
384
00:21:20,945 --> 00:21:23,881
I said,
"to the bride and groom."
385
00:21:23,948 --> 00:21:27,017
You don't understand.
David and I have decided to cool it.
386
00:21:27,085 --> 00:21:30,921
Cool it?
What does that mean? That means the wedding is off.
387
00:21:30,989 --> 00:21:34,858
What? Thirty women just ate
$200 worth of food here.
388
00:21:34,926 --> 00:21:39,396
I got a banquet hall hired
and a caterer waiting for the reception.
389
00:21:39,463 --> 00:21:41,398
Can I see you
for a moment? Yes.
390
00:21:46,404 --> 00:21:50,707
I know. I guess
we have a lot to talk about.
391
00:21:50,775 --> 00:21:52,709
I'll call you.
392
00:21:54,745 --> 00:21:56,679
We'll have coffee.
Okay.
393
00:21:56,747 --> 00:22:01,018
Wait a minute, David.
Where you going? I said wait a minute.
394
00:22:01,085 --> 00:22:03,420
What am I gonna do
with a three-piece band?
395
00:22:03,487 --> 00:22:06,723
Tell them to play
"marching to pretoria."
396
00:22:06,791 --> 00:22:09,726
David. David! David! David!
397
00:22:09,794 --> 00:22:13,496
See you next week
at the American civil liberties meeting?
398
00:22:29,247 --> 00:22:31,181
Oh, Carol, honey.
399
00:22:33,217 --> 00:22:36,186
You know, I'm not
very good at quiet talk.
400
00:22:36,254 --> 00:22:39,423
Yelling is my long suit.
401
00:22:39,490 --> 00:22:43,893
I don't know.
I'm trying to say something and I hope it comes out right.
402
00:22:43,962 --> 00:22:46,229
What I'm trying to say is,
403
00:22:46,297 --> 00:22:48,731
I want you to know that I care.
404
00:22:50,501 --> 00:22:52,735
I know you care.
405
00:22:52,803 --> 00:22:55,839
Thank you, mother.
Oh, honey, listen.
406
00:22:55,906 --> 00:22:57,975
Everything passes in time.
407
00:22:58,042 --> 00:23:00,910
And who knows?
David may still work out.
408
00:23:00,979 --> 00:23:04,681
Even if it doesn't,
it'll work out with somebody else. Look at us.
409
00:23:04,748 --> 00:23:08,185
It took your mother
four tries before she was lucky enough to get me.
410
00:23:08,252 --> 00:23:10,487
See why I love that man?
411
00:23:10,554 --> 00:23:12,555
His modesty.
412
00:23:12,623 --> 00:23:17,160
What's going on?
Am I missing something?
413
00:23:17,228 --> 00:23:19,762
Only the wedding, Edith.
It's off.
414
00:23:19,830 --> 00:23:22,932
Oh. I wondered
what she was laughing at.
415
00:23:23,001 --> 00:23:27,837
Geez, I'm glad
somebody's laughing and having a good time here.
416
00:23:27,905 --> 00:23:29,973
Archie, what are
you doing here?
417
00:23:30,041 --> 00:23:33,510
The same thing I was doing
at the motel, Edith-- not sleeping.
418
00:23:33,577 --> 00:23:36,246
They was having
a wild party over there. People screaming and yelling.
419
00:23:36,314 --> 00:23:38,482
One crazy dame
was marching to astoria.
420
00:23:42,820 --> 00:23:44,787
Around 11:00
I couldn't take it no more.
421
00:23:44,855 --> 00:23:48,058
I had to call the cops
to come and break it up.
422
00:23:53,631 --> 00:23:55,565
I should've known.
423
00:23:55,633 --> 00:23:59,036
I should've known too, maude.
I never would've went to the joint.
424
00:23:59,103 --> 00:24:01,038
You fink.
Huh?
425
00:24:01,105 --> 00:24:03,740
If you hadn't
called the cops, nothing would have happened.
426
00:24:03,807 --> 00:24:05,975
What is she talking about?
If there hadn't been a raid,
427
00:24:06,044 --> 00:24:07,977
there never would have been
this fight here tonight.
428
00:24:08,046 --> 00:24:10,514
Archie, you have ruined
my daughter's wedding.
429
00:24:10,581 --> 00:24:15,985
Well, then that
makes us even, maudie, 'cause you ruined my weekend.
430
00:24:16,054 --> 00:24:19,222
Ow!
431
00:24:19,290 --> 00:24:21,324
You stepped on my foot.
432
00:24:27,998 --> 00:24:31,034
Maude, I had
a marvelous time.
433
00:24:31,102 --> 00:24:34,571
Carol, I can't tell you
how sorry I am.
434
00:24:34,638 --> 00:24:37,807
Thanks, Edith.
Yeah, Carol, I was gonna tell you--
435
00:24:37,875 --> 00:24:40,677
Archie, there's
no need to apologize.
436
00:24:40,744 --> 00:24:42,946
All you did was
mess up a party.
437
00:24:43,013 --> 00:24:44,948
I messed up my own wedding.
438
00:24:45,015 --> 00:24:47,951
That's what
I was gonna tell you. It ain't my fault.
439
00:24:50,754 --> 00:24:52,689
Come on, Edith.
We've got a long trip.
440
00:24:52,756 --> 00:24:54,991
Let's get going.
Bye. Bye.
441
00:24:55,059 --> 00:24:56,993
Keep smiling there, maudie.
442
00:24:57,061 --> 00:25:00,763
Archie. Here.
You don't wanna forget your wedding present.
443
00:25:00,831 --> 00:25:03,733
Oh, no. I tell you
what you do, maude.
444
00:25:03,801 --> 00:25:07,304
You keep it here on
what you call a deposit for the next wedding.
445
00:25:27,492 --> 00:25:31,628
[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
446
00:25:31,678 --> 00:25:36,228
Repair and Synchronization by
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